Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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