This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.