dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver