4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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