The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
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She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
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No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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