I wish my penis had an off switch
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
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