If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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