Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
