I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
