Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
