just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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