I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
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I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
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you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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