i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
