I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
