so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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