I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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