I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
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He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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