also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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