i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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