I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
