and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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