Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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