Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
