Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize