I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
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I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
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I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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