That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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