theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
