Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
there's paper in my vomit.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
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There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
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Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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