Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
ttyl tear gas
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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