im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize