i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
