I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just saw a hot homeless man
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
