Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
