help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He uses pillows to masturbate.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
