I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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