if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
