I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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