Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
