In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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