My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
