remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
