my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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