how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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