just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
