You know, be my cock's hype man.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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