since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
