I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
