This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
