How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
All I want is dick and wine.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
