I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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