somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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