She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
as a side note pls kill me
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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