my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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