No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize