Dude my mom stole all your condoms
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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