he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
